Posts Tagged With: selfish

Sid’s 40 Day Fast – Day 18

Day 18 – Thursday – 10/11/12

Ah, that’s kinda cool. Today is 10 11 12. 🙂 It’s been an interesting day so far. Generally speaking, I’m feeling more of the hunger by doing the split-meal, which is great. Means I have more to offer up. Next week I’ll try the 3 small snack method, and maybe the following week 2 small snacks between lunch and dinner. This morning we did a communion service at one of our home visits. I love being able to feed others w/Jesus’ Body and Blood. Albert’s visiting the old folks at The Comedor.

I’m about to go start preparing the food I’m making for our missionary community dinner tomorrow night. Roasting some pumpkin seeds, attempting to make “dulce de calabasa” (lit. – “sweet of squash”), and some homemade chips. The “dulce” is actually more of a pumpkin than a squash, and I’m using my grandma’s fig preserve method to prepare it. Put some sugar in the pot and some water, then the pieces of pumpkin. Put it over low-ish heat until the water and sugar combine to a syrup-like consistency. The chips are easy to make. Bought some fresh corn tortillas yesterday, letting them dry out and get stale/hard. (I was told to do this by one of our mexican missionary wives.) Then fry ’em up! Lots of food related activities during my fast. How ironic…

Seemed like I had a few small things test my patience this morning. Heated my coffee too long in the microwave and caused it to boil over, thus losing a few precious ounces of Community Coffee, my favorite coffee in the world, of which I am running short and will probably run out before the groups arrive in November with more of it; bumped my head on a shelf in the office; got interrupted with whatever I was doing when one of the missionary couples knocked on our door. Very small stuff indeed. But it serves perfectly to highlight my struggle to overcome selfishness & not let small things get to me. I ended up stopping myself, recognizing that I was needlessly getting stressed, & offered up my fast/hunger as a prayer.

In regards to the missionary couple, for some reason I seem to always feel a bit impatient when they come over. Maybe it’s that whole “life on my terms, don’t interrupt me, I’ll come to you” struggle that I’m trying to overcome. Or maybe it’s because they need help with stuff more often than the others and that causes me to recoil and be impatient and selfish. But it’s odd that I’d react that way because they are very generous with us. Felt some more grumpiness again this afternoon. Not sure if it was because there was the usual noise and distraction at the prayer meeting we went to, if it was the hunger that caused it, or if the fast is peeling away the layers and revealing to me some things about myself that I need to work on. I definitely don’t WANT to be grumpy. Who in their right mind would want that? Regardless of the cause, I know it can be fixed, and that gives me hope (and a smile 🙂 ). As I was reading Blessed Pope John Paul II’s encyclical “Veritatis Splendor” (The Splendor of Truth), I came across a very encouraging Bible verse which seems quite appropriate for my situation: “As for you, always be steady, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.” –2 Timothy 4:5–

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Sid’s 40 Day Fast – Day 7

Day 7 – Sunday – 9/30/12

Last night even after I ate supper and wasn’t hungry anymore, I didn’t have that full feeling. And because I was so accustomed to it before the fast, I was thinking of ways to eat more food. Ultimately I decided against it, feeling like it would defeat one of the purposes of the fast, which is to grow in discipline and self-control.

In regards to my mission post discernment, the only places I can see right now are Spain and The Phillipines. But discernment means being open to other possibilities too. What if there’s another location I haven’t thought of? What if I’m called to return to Big Woods? What if God calls me out of missions? It’s hard to imagine those possibilities but I feel like I have to be open to them too. I also wonder if I should be discerning mission partners or not. Of course I have some ideas, but I guess I’ll focus on the “where” and the “who” will make itself clear.

Another thing I noticed this morning opened my eyes. One of my mission partners, Albert, likes to drink alot of coffee. I noticed this not only because I see him drink gargantuan amounts of the stuff at all times of the day, but also because the bag of Community Coffee that we had been sharing is disappearing quickly. (keyword: HAD) No way it goes that quickly if it’s only me drinking it. So, I brewed another pot this morning and poured myself a cup and Albert one last cup. Once the rest of the coffee cools, I’m gonna pour it into a container labeled “Sid’s Coffee! Do Not Drink!”. That way the coffee will last me as long as possible in October before the group arrives on November 6th-ish.

I’m doing this because my Community Coffee is a piece of home (it’s made in South Louisiana) & I LOVE it! (emphasis on the word LOVE) While I LIKE other types of coffee, I LOVE Community Coffee. When I agreed to share my coffee with Albert, I didn’t realize how much of it he drinks throughout the day. Ergo, no more sharing this precious gift from my mom. I feel like I’m justified in doing this small thing, because we share in other ways. But part of me feels like it might be a tiny bit selfish. That’s the good thing about this fast. It’ll give me a chance to think and pray more about it than I normally would, so that I can learn from it (update: I ended up gifting Albert with a bag of Mexican coffee to get him started. Felt like that kinda helped to balance things out)

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Gonna be thankful…………..

Thursday 6-3-10 – 10:30pm @ Adoration Chapel @ The Cathedral (Lafayette)

There’s nothing like literally being face-to-face with Love Incarnate to get you to realize your imperfections. I sit here, face-to-face with my Lord and Savior, and while I’m so happy to be here, it also makes me sad. I’m sad because Jesus’ love pierces my heart & soul and helps me to realize my selfishness and how long I have to go. But, I also feel like God wants me to be thankful right now instead of sorrowful. I feel like he’s telling me to combat the sadness, frustration, and hurt w/gratitude.

To begin, I give gratitude for my job and co-workers. Without them, I would not be able to make a living, and I wouldn’t be able to work on being a better person. I give thanks for my family. They are my rock. I give thanks for my friends. They are what I look forward to when the work week is over. I give MUCH thanks for my church parish (The Cathedral) especially Ms. Laura Lahaye and my fellow Lifeteen Coreteam members. I treasure the time I spend with them because it brings me great joy and helps me to grow in holiness. I thank God for letting me make mistakes and being able to learn from them. I thank God for the patience and forgiveness shown to me through others. I thank God for all priests, and especially for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I thank God for my health and well-being. I thank God for my call to go into foreign missions. I could go on and on about all the things I have to be thankful for, but there’s not enough paper in this book. 🙂

Praise You Lord Jesus for your kindness, patience, and mercy that you give to me. Without it, I would be nothing. Saint Gianna Beretta Molla, pray for us!

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FORGIVE ME LORD…………..

Sunday 3/28/10 – 5:00pm @ CC’s Coffee on Johnston St.

I’ve been meaning to write in my journal for the past five days, but God kept presenting me with opportunities so I kept delaying it. I wanted to write about confession. I’ll spare you the details, but Tuesday I was in need of the sacrament of Confession. I couldn’t make it to noon confession @ Wisdom, so I tried going to Fatima after work, but the priest couldn’t make it. I know priests are busy, and he probably had a good reason, but this really frustrated me. It’s happened several times before. If it’s that much of a problem to be there, then don’t advertise that you will have confession at certain times on certain days. Anyhoo, so I pass by Wisdom on the way to Ms. Laura’s to see if I could catch Fr. Chester for a minute, but he was out on the road going to an appt. My chances for going to Confession were not looking too good. After our Coreteam meeting, I go back to Wisdom, catch the end of the Tuesday night Mass. I talk to one of the staff members to see if there was any chance I could pull Fr. Chester aside real quick to hear my confession. Instead of some nice, charitable, generic, non-commital answer that would encourage me to make the decision myself, she came at me with a stiff-necked response of “there are scheduled times when the priest is available.” No Duh!!!!! You think I don’t know that? Again, I didn’t expect her to ask the priest for me, but at least have some kind of decency and compassion in the way you respond to me. For God’s sake, I’m trying to restore a connection of grace between my soul and God.

You better darn well make that more of a priority of yours if you work for the Church. At this point, the disappointment was really starting to set in. Then I get the idea to go to the Community of Jesus Crucified to see if Fr. Frey or Fr. Champagne were there. Surely, they, of all people, would be available. Well, as my luck would have it, neither one was there. They were out and about on other priestly duties. At this point, I had just about resigned (consigned?) myself to not receiving the Sacrament. So I’m headed back home on Pinhook Road and I pass by St. Patrick’s. I see a car at the rectory, so I pull in to see if the lights are on. Sure enough, they are. For a split second, I ponder whether or not to disturb the priest. I decided that a slight inconvenience on his part is worth it, if on my part, my soul is restored to God. So, I knock on his door, and after I explain my situation, he mutters something about the situation being ridiculous (not joking, wish I could say I was) and then talks about how he just heard confessions for 2 and a half hours at a penance service, which was “scheduled to give people the opportunity to receive the Sacrament.” Well you know what, I couldn’t make it. Furthermore, ministry doesn’t always happen neatly on our own schedule. Sometimes *GASP!* you have to answer a knock on the door at night, after you’ve already returned home and become all comfy and relaxed. To the priest’s credit though, he allowed me into his house, heard my confession, and absolved me of my sins. As I finally achieved my goal of restoring my soul to God, I reflected on how I got to that point.

I deliberately chose to separate my soul from God by my selfish action. But I knew right away that I wanted to restore my soul as soon as I could into God’s grace and life. As I was making my attempts to go to confession and failing, I wondered if I was being impatient, and maybe if I should just wait until the next day. However, I realized that I can’t stand it when I’m separated from God. I also realized that we are never guaranteed our next breath, and that I might not live to see another day. That being said, I didn’t want my last day on earth to be one that was marked by giving up on trying to reconcile my soul to God. That’s why I drove all over town and went through all that trouble. And you know what? It was worth it. There’s nothing, and I mean NOTHING like experiencing the burden of sin being lifted from your soul through the sacrament of Confession. I felt like that whole series of events mirrored 2 separate bible passages. One was about the woman who kept after the judge to grant ruling on a decision she was seeking. She kept after him to do it. Finally, even if not because he desired to do it, he granted her a ruling because of her persistence. The other bible passage is Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” In other news, I feel like God continues to bless me as I journey towards my vocation as a foreign Catholic lay missionary. Right now I’m trying to live my life by learning to love where God has me at the moment. He is using this time leading up to my missionary training to teach me about patience and obedience.

I believe he’s also teaching me docility to the promptings of the Spirit. There have been so many opportunities in the small, normal, everyday circumstances for me to be a missionary. Sometimes, I’ve responded well, sometimes I haven’t. It feels like I’m doing an ok job in giving of my time and money. I’m not doing a good job of praying with others or having personal prayer time for myself. Being a missionary at work is really hard too. How the heck do I be Christ-like in a place I don’t want to be, and neither do I feel called to be there. However, even if it’s not my permanent calling, it’s where i’m called to be right now. And that means I need to be a missionary there. I know that’s what God wants, and if Jesus can do what he did, then surely I can receive graces his sacrifice to do the difficult things in life that I must do. I praise and I thank God for working slowly but surely in my life and helping me to grow and become a better person. I thank God for the many small victories and countless blessings in my life. I pray for the grace to be able to give my life to God and live on his terms and not mine. I pray for the grace to be able to TRUST him. Gosh, I know this sounds random, but I really do miss the people that were on the trip to Mexico earlier this month. Lord, help me to let friendships and relationships develop under your guidance, according to your plan, and on your timeframe. Thank you Lord for the many blessings of my life that have helped me to grow closer to you. Help me to bring others closer to you. Amen! Glory!

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